Yeah, I’m back in Hong Kong.
I’ve had a lot to say recently, and I’ve been trying to remind myself to come on here and write it all down but I never got around to it.
Saying goodbye to people in Toronto was difficult. It was easier to avoid people and not say goodbye, so I managed to make that happen a couple of times. I knew I would get attached to that city and it’s people, and while I was in the process of packing up and moving out, I was wrestling the gloominess and trying to cope with it to the point where I felt like I was holding my breath the entire week. The realization that I would barely see my roommates next year, and the people I had mingled with around residence – maybe never. Then again, I’ve always been sappy like that, so it’s not like it was unexpected.
The first evening I spent with my parents was very awkward. I think they were in disbelief. My head was pretty much still in Toronto, and I didn’t really know how to deal with it, hence.. I didn’t. How typical of me.
Two weeks in and I’m alright again. Summer vibes are getting to me and I can’t help but feel pleased about what’s to come. A lot has changed, with me and my situation, but somehow things have fallen into place again.
What’s pending now my relationship with my parents. There’s no dire need for intervention or anything, but I’m noticing more and more that we have a disconnect. Especially between my father and I. We can barely have one long conversation together without it veering into him complaining about my relatives, or planning my future as though it’s a business deal. Everything he says to me is a business deal. About how I should succeed, about how I need to succeed, and about how failure is unacceptable. How ironic, he’s never once asked me about my projects or photos. I’m pretty certain he has no idea what my grades are like either. My academics have always been left to the care and speculation of my mother. She was there for every parent teacher meeting in highschool and overlooks a lot of the admin for school-related things. My dad, however, went to one parent teacher meeting and attended my highschool graduation.
He’s a really busy man, and I commend him for being so determined and good at what he does, but I can’t help but feel some sort of spiteful pleasure when I imagine him wondering how I grew up so fast, and regretting that he missed it. I say spiteful pleasure because I’m angry. I think I’ve always been angry at him. Angry to the point where as a child, and even as a teenager, I used to fight for his attention constantly. I’d tag along when he went to get groceries, hang out in the kitchen when he cooked, go do things he wanted to do, and generally hang on his every word. Until now. Only now am I realizing how little my father knows about me as a person, and how much resent I have for him.
Some of my friends have said that it’s ‘an Asian thing.’ And it’s true, from what I’ve seen, most Indian families are close, but not in terms of emotional support. Maybe this makes it unfair for me to want any more from my parents, but then again, why the fuck would it ever be unreasonable for me to want to be closer to my dad?
Another pressure I grew up with was knowing that my dad always wanted a son. He finds it difficult to connect with women in any case, but I’m pretty sure one of the reasons I didn’t turn out ‘girly’ was because I knew it would make it difficult with my dad. Something I realized recently too was how he treated his friends’ kids. He always asks to speak to them on the phone, brings them gifts, tapes up their drawings in his office. It’s endearing to hear such a stoic man turn into such a sweetheart when he’s around other kids, but I’ve only just realized how crushed I was by it.
The reason I think all of this came down on me like a ton of bricks recently is because I stopped putting my dad on a pedestal. I found holes in his arguments and it went from there. Slowly this image that I have of him is disintegrating into a pretty bleak portrayal of a man who doesn’t know his daughter. I feel like his head has been turned the other way while I’ve been growing up. Now that I’m finally settling into the skin I’ve been given, I can solidly say that I am a complete stranger to my dad.
For a while, I was more angry and resentful than I was sad. It’s kind of been eating at me for the last two months. I contemplated disconnecting entirely, and not bothering to put any effort into the relationship anymore out of spite. Just going through the motions.
Unfortunately, I grew up a little bit while I was away, and that’s clearly not the right thing to do. I know I need to talk to him, but if I bring it up at the wrong moment, it’ll alienate him completely. I’m not even sure if I can bring it up without breaking down. I’m not very good with speaking my mind when it comes to emotional things.
I’m rambling. I’ll stop now. More updates and things when I can be bothered to make them happen.
- M.
